I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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