About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
