Just fell off a train. Bad.
He kissed a someone with a penis
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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