If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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