I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
