I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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