I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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