Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
