Why are handjobs necessary in class?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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