He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
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Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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