Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
