Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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