i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
