someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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