Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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