I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
