how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
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Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
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Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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