So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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