Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
