Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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