I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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