Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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