Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
