I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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