Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
