I'm pants shitting drunk right now
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
