dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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