it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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