i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
