You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
