how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
