i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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