Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
