How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
