The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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