He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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