Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
