Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
