we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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