Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
