Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
