Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
