i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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