life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i out mim tonsoeep
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
