and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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