I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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