Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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