you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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