I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
