Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
