This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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