Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
