please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
