did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
